Malcolm's Log Langebaan Soul Sailing Road Trip – November 2004.

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What does an inland sailor do when there is no wind ? He eats beans or goes on a road trip to that mecca of board and kite sailing, Langebaan. And so it was on one fine (and particularly unwindy) day in September at Bronkies that the local crew (all 4 of us – sad) were bemoaning the lot of the Gauteng sailor. Julian, being the most frustrated (as even his 12sq.m sail, formula board and 700mm long fin couldn’t get him onto the plane) came up with the idea to head for Langebaan in November as there was bound to be wind at that time of the year. And so the seed was sown – time for a mid-life “soul sailing” road trip. No serious racing, no gusty conditions, no barbel – just the need for some decent speed.

The logistics plan was put in place. There’d be only three of us - Philip couldn’t make it – some crappy excuse about month-end and VAT submissions to SARS. Wasn’t that a disease ? The car and trailer were to be supplied by Julian, accommodation in Langebaan organised by Julian and dates for the trip set by Julian. Gabi and I knew we were on a winning ticket. Julian has a laaaaarge trailer into which 95% of the windsurfing kit was stowed. This consisted of 6 boards, 8 masts, 9 booms, 22 sails and 5,000 fins. The balance went onto the car’s roof. Ja – we might’ve only been a couple of inland sailors, but we felt like hard-core inland sailors ! Only problem was the Gaastra stickers on the trailer……

We left early on Saturday morning and travelled for about 500 meters before having to turn around because some tit had left his shoes and saline solution at home. Heading out of Gauteng, we noticed that there seemed to be a bit of wind around – was it the fact that the car felt all squirrelly on the road or was it that we had to slow to 80 km/h to safely pass through the dust clouds billowing across the road. How ironic is that ? Leave Gauteng for a faraway sailing destination and the wind blows ! 20 knots plus !!! How is this possible? Several minutes were spent expressing disgust at the state of affairs (in several languages, Hungarian included).

We have decided to name this the “Julian-phenomenon”. The only way to explain this phenomenon is as follows – where Julian goes to sail, the wind doesn’t blow. When Julian is not in a position to sail, the wind will blow. Be warned – if invited to go sailing with Julian, don’t – you are wasting your time. What the hell were we doing in this car with him ?

Thankfully, by the time we got to Bloemies, the wind had gone. We could relax. Well we thought we could but then the other wind kicked in care of Gabi who was in the back seat of the car and had just consumed 20 packets of liquorice! First stop, Bloemies UltraCity, ahhh fresh air ! The latest FHM was procured to add to the stash of reading material already in the boot (SA Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and Zig Zag). What a bonus – the next two hours of driving time went by quickly as the top 100 SA honeys were dissected from head to toe ! By overwhelming consensus, the nicest “honey” was the oldest (coming in at 32 with perfect protractor-round orbs! Do I spot some silicone there ?).

In the middle of the Karoo, somewhere between Beaufort West and Richmond, the inevitable political, religious and sexual philosophising commenced. The final outcome of the debate ? Hungarian politics are too difficult to understand, we agreed to leave the religious debate to after a coupla bevies and sex is good. We knew it was time to stop when Julian pointing to some scrub bushes on one side of the road and a dam on the other side and observed that to be a bush on the side of an arid hill across the road from a full dam and not being able to get there for a drink must be really kak….. deep bru…

The passing of the rest of the trip was ably assisted by Julian’s IPod. On our last trip to Moz, we came up with a game called “tjoon us the tune” – similar to Lariekeraai or Noot vir Noot where the song title and artist must be guessed. The IPod can take 40GB worth of MP3 clips and we only got through about 2GB of that !! However, this required each song to be cut short which drove our friend Gabi mad. He countered with his rendition of Johan “Demmit” – too accurate for comfort – is he a closet Noot vir Noot kyker ? (Daar sy, mooi, 5 op ‘n ry!).

Finally, Hex River valley and things started to look nice and green outside. We headed into Cape Town just in time for a glorious Cape late afternoon. Got to Julian’s bud’s (Ryan) place in Table View where we would stay the night before heading off to the hallowed waters of Langebaan. Imagine the look on Ryan’s face when he was confronted with not only Julian but two other smelly, sweaty buggers looking for free lodging as well. When offered the toss up between a single mattress on the floor in one room or sharing a proper bed in the other room, I was quick to accept the floor option. I was not in the mood to “lepel le” with Gabi or Julian !

Ryan is lucky to live a couple of steps away from Rietvlei, the home of Milnerton Aquatic Club (MAC). Went to have a squiz at Rietvlei. Only two folks there – another of Julian’s buds (Derek) and Hans Berger, fresh from Joeys. While the sailing junkies drive, their supplier flies – shouldn’t it be the other way around? Derek was fiddling with an ex-Dunkerbeck board which he had picked up at the recent Walvis Bay speed week. Hans looked out of sorts in neat clothes and without his test tube of evil mampoer. What a pleasant change. That evening there was a Halloween party at the MAC. We met Bruce Morrison there – had last seen him at Bronkies about 2 years ago and caught up on old times. There seem to be too many of the original Bronkies crowd living in Cape Town. Gabi and I went to sleep early. Julian got sozzled with his mates and was looking a touch green the next day.

I woke up to that slightly sinister bowel sensation otherwise known as “gotta take a dump”. Headed upstairs urgently to Julian and Gabi's “love” room to use the crapper and was confronted by what can only be described as the solid remnants of the previous day’s noxious odours – Gabi had left his mark! I can’t believe that we had to teach a grown man the etiquette of crapping in someone else’s house and how to use that great instrument, the toilet brush.

Had a nice greasy breakfast at News Café in Tableview. What a way to start the day! This surely beats looking at 5,000 BMWs and Mercs jockeying for position with mini-busses on the M1. The day promised to be a peach – blue skies and a light south-easterly breeze already developing. Julian had intentions to stay for the late afternoon Formula racing at Rietvlei. It was at this point that Gabi and I had to put our feet down. The rest of breakfast was spent reiterating the fact that this was to be a journey of “soul sailing” and that talk of racing would not be tolerated. Furthermore, why sail at Rietvlei (dark water, gusty – reminiscent of Bronkies) when you can have Langebaan ? Under threats of imminent breakage to Julian’s equipment, we departed for Langebaan.

Upon arrival at Langebaan the wind must’ve been up to 20-25 knots. First impressions of Cape Sports Center (I was last there 3 years ago) - there is a great amount of effort in place to try to reclaim the beach (using dredgers and sandbags) to it’s former glory. I hope this works. With the new sandbag and rock groyne in place a nice flat water speed strip will be created. The only problem was the noise of the dredger and the slightly sulphurous odour of tons of decomposed sea life which has been released from it’s hundreds of years of burial beneath the sand.

I rigged up a 6 sq.m and went out on my 103 litre F2 Ride. By this time the wind had picked up and I bliksemed my lip and nose on the boom in one particularly bumpy attempt at a gybe on the outside. Hmmm..this is the problem after sailing inland for several months in iffy winds. Anything above 20 knots at the coast is way more than we’re used to getting inland. The pucker factor got the best of us and we headed off to Kraalbaai. We had a cool sailing session there on 5 sq.m sails. Nice way to ease into what would hopefully be 6 days of sailing. On the way back we took a look at the sea – fresh air ! The stiff breeze creating spectacular waves crashing onto the rocky shore, misty conditions created by the wind swept spray and setting sun, an unspoilt coast line except for the hazy outline of some long forgotten ship wreck. Glorious.

One of the benefits of sailing at a place like Kraalbaai is that it can be ideal for someone progressing from beginner to intermediate. The wind is consistent and a place like Kraalbaai offers shallow, relatively warm water. Prior to this trip, Gabi was in the throes of learning how to get into the footstraps and let the board do the work. Our theory was that a week at Langebaan would be sufficient to allow most beginners to learn basics such as getting into the straps. It took a couple of sessions, but I will always remember the moment of “enlightenment” when Gabi came rushing towards me across the waters of Kraalbaai with a beaming smile on his face – in the straps, going 50% faster than he was used to and in the zone bru ! The only problem Julian and I had was that Gabi insisted on wearing booties. What ? Sailing with booties in Langebaan – it’s like feeling Jennifer Aniston’s tits with gloves on. It’s just not right ! He gave us some bloody crap excuse about standing on shells – I think maybe he was afraid of stepping on those nasty sand sharks……..

It was with great satisfaction (and slightly sore arms) that we ate a lekker pizza at Pearlies followed by a classic windsurf-tired-kak-praat-session and bed. We stayed in another of Julian’s CT friend’s house in Langebaan. Nice and comfy – real sheets and duvets plus full complement of cutlery. But even more important – Fridge, TV and CD player.

Monday, we woke to another glorious West Coast day – azure blue skies, turquoise sea, the sound of gulls wheeling in the sky and a south easterly breeze. Breakfast was prepared by the guru – eggs, bacon, sausage, toast etc. Odd that I wasn’t invited to repeat this performance on subsequent days. We headed for CSC at about 11h00 and rigged 8 sq.m sails and big boards as the wind was only around 10 – 15 knots. Had an excellent session for about 2 hours zooting around the bay in front on CSC dodging sandbanks (long fins!) and kite surfers. Mr. Berger was lucky to score a couple of rides on Gabi and my boards (as he had no kit with him) – we’ll remember this for future discount purposes ! Unfortunately, we had succumb to the classic error that all inland sailors make when getting to Langebaan i.e. maximize use of any wind there is, irrespective of how little as it might go away ! Rule #1 of Langebaan – when the south easterly blows, the wind will always pick up in the afternoon. After 2 hours gripping an 8 sq.m sail, the arms got a little tired. We went down to 5 sq.m sails in the space of about 1 hour. I was hopelessly overpowered (or should I say under armed) by this stage and called it a day. The German Surf Magazine board testers were in town and were going crazy with forward loops and willy-skippers etc. We could only watch in awe as we sat at Friday Island nursing ice-cold MGD’s. I guess that’s the difference between the lot of the Joburg office worker and that of the professional board tester.

Ate dinner at Friday Island – excellent burgers chased down with more ice-cold MGD while watching the last of the Germans coming in front of the setting sun. Ahhh….paradise. Headed back home to that unavoidable beer inspired discussion on religion and things of the cosmos.

Tuesday, without trying to sound repetitive, we woke up to another glorious West Coast day – azure blue skies again but this time a stiiiiiff south easterly wind. Time for early morning ablutions. Once again, Gabi decided to push the edge of the envelope and single-handed managed to clear the entire house of its human contents.

After a greasy breakfast (to lubricate the innards) we headed to Kraalbaai. This was a stand-up sailing session using 6 sq.m sails the entire day. Now that’s sailing ! – nicely powered up and not having to fiddle with various sail sizes. Julian clocked us at 50.3 km/h on one run using his trusty Garmin Gekko GPS. Julian’s bud, Paul (more fondly known as “big-boy slim” or “casper-rasper” – the latter due to his uncanny resemblance to that de Vries chap) pulled in from Cape Town halfway through the session and joined the festivities. To add to the overall enjoyment of the day, there was some lovely lass bathing topless on the beach. Our initial delight turned to disbelief when upon entering and exiting the water, the silly tart would cross her arms over her chest thus ensuring her modesty and our frustration. Crap. Had about 5 close encounters with (read “stepped upon”) sand sharks. Although they’re no more than excuses for sharks, you get one helluva skrik when they wriggle from out under your feet. Gabi took some great sailing shots with his Nikon digital SLR camera and 300mm zoom lens. This equipment was further put to good use photographing the local bird life.

Tuesday evening was “Meet the pros evening” at Friday Island. No, it’s not what you think ! I’m talking about board and sail designers here, not ladies of the night. Lots a kak was spoken by all. This deteriorated into a beer bottle smashing session to see who could score the biggest foamie. The party tricks came to an abrupt end when some of the Germans threatened to start flinging glasses at us. Gabi had left early to catch up on his sleep. Julian, Paul and I got home at about 11h00. It was time for another game of “tjune us a tune”!! This went on till 1AM. Gabi claims he didn’t hear anything but we suspect that he was lying ! Song of the evening was Billy Idol’s “White wedding” which became our unofficial anthem for the week.

Day 4 dawned – Wednesday. No wind, beautiful blue skies and turquoise water. Have I already mentioned the word “paradise” ? Time to take a squiz at the Langebaan surrounds in Paul’s Combi which is equipped with a boom box half the size of the rear storage area. First stop was Happy Beach next to Mykonos where Gabi, still in perv mode, snooped around with his camera and discovered some more scenery. Had a drive around Saldanha (fishy smells) and headed to Paternoster. What a beautiful place. Thankfully, the Sandton / Plett-type poepals haven’t sullied the place with brick and glass monstrosities yet. Building style is very much a combination between Cape and Greek. Luverly. Also looks like an excellent place to sail.

By lunch time there was a light SE breeze developing so we headed back to CSC. Julian could hardly contain himself as the racing guru and Gaastra sail designer, big Phil McGain had arrived. The 12 sq.m sail and formula board was hauled out and much sail erecting and tweaking followed. The purpose of all of this was apparently to prepare the rig for a fin test session. Hmmm.

Went out on my 8 sq.m but was too sat to sail for more than half an hour. Paul, Gabi and I spent the rest of the arvie on the Friday Island stoep drinking MGD and some horrible pink shite called Brutal Fruit.

Had a check at all the German test hardware lying around. Some perceptions (I’m definitely out of touch with board design) :

• Looks like the new thing is triangular cutouts on the bottom deck each side of the fin. I’ve seen this on some Formula boards. One of the F2 free-ride (is this still the correct terminology ?) boards had two holes passing at a 45 degree angle right through the board – I guess the principle is to draw air in from the top of the board which flows to the bottom and provides a cushion to enhance planning ?? Looks like free-flow exhaust ports and would most probably go down quite well in Kuils River.
• Starboard shortboards with oddly shaped concave decks strategically placed between the footstraps and the rails. Made especially for those sailors with double jointed feet – what were they thinking?
• One of the new F2 boards had a twin fin arrangement (what for ?) while another had a recessed area just behind the mast track for mounting a GPS – now that’s cool. Next feature – a beer box.

Dinner was at Zee-Zee’s. Spare ribs. Gabi in uncontrollable bullshit-babble mode – he is a changed man since he first got his feet into the straps. Maybe it was also because his china, Rob, arrived from Knysna with another 5 sails for him. He now had the following quiver – 4.8, 5.1, 5.3,  6, 7, 7.5, 8, 9.2 !!! Talk about fine tuning and selection. Can you imagine the analysis-paralysis when trying to select a sail. Anyway, we charged him 50% extra on the fuel bill for humping along a ridiculous quiver like that. We’d overheard him the previous evening on the phone to Rob saying something like “nooit, bru, the wind is heavy here. Better pack that 4.8 and 5.3 as I’m not sure my 5.1 will do the job”.

Day 5 (Thursday) – another light wind day with odd overcast conditions. Slight south easterly wind. Time for more footstrap practice. After some stunning “Hungarian” eggs for breakfast, courtesy of Paul, we headed back to Kraalbaai where the wind was not. Rigged 8 sq.m sails and big boards. Julian was in miff-mode as he wanted to sail with Phil. When asked if he was going to rig, he stated that he had other things on his mind (“I need to take a gwhaar, boet”). He finally headed off to CSC at about 16h00 to score a late arvie session. With hindsight, that was the better option as the guys were cruising nicely on 100 litre boards and 6 sq.m sails. Tried to get shots of the other blokes but not even Gabi’s camera can take photos of idiots sailing miles away. Julian’s bud, Derek, had come through for the day and presented to Paul a fin signed by none other than “The Machine”. It’s pathetic to see a grown man babble unintelligently at the site of Dunkerbeck’s signature – oddly reminiscent of those scenes of moist tarts scoring autographed underwear at a Westlife concert. Oddly enough, we ended the day with pizza and beer at Pearlies.

Day 6 (Friday) – what a morning ! Woken to Billy Idol’s “It’s a fine day for a white wedding” at force 8. Followed by shower, general farting and a greasy breakfast. The conditions were looking promising for a big day and we all headed off to Churchies (except for Julian who went to CSC). Buysie had also arrived from CT. As we headed over the crest of the Langebaan hill the awesome view of kites at Shark bay and wind-blown whitecaps on the lagoon greeted us. Time to fly!!! The road to Kraalbaai seemed to be 50 km too long.

We had an absolute stand-up 6sq.m day. In my humble opinion (and from an inland sailor’s perspective) it doesn’t get much better than this. Warm water, steady wind, small board and comfortably powered up, sailing with a group of buds who are all getting off on the same high ! At times, clocking at 30knots over flat water no more than 40cm deep – at times a bit too shallow for comfort but awesome – luckily no fins were broken. Wildlife in the form of sand sharks, an inquisitive seal and topless babes added to the overall greatness of the day.

This will also go down in the annals of infamy as the “day of the turd”. Picture the scene. Sailing along, I check Paul standing waist high in the water. Decide to stop off for a quick breather and a chat. Oi what’s this, why’s his harness off ? Hey, what’s that floating in the water. It’s now broken in two and approaching rapidly. It’s amazing how an adrenalin rush smoothes the way to a sharp water start and quick getaway – I guess this must be similar to that sensation one gets when falling into shark infested waters. Paul had just produced the largest floating object yet to see the waters of Langebaan. The problem was, sailing into the sun made it very difficult to spot the offending article. We knew it was time to call it a day. Rumours abound of some German sailor getting slapped in the forehead two days later at CSC (downwind) by something nasty while attempting a forward loop.

The mood on the way back from Kraalbaai that evening was one of absolute euphoria (accompanied by 150 decibels of Stranglers “walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches…….”. Warren, following in his car, was even treated to the glorious site of a spotty, hairy combination of rectal cheeks and testicles shoved out the passenger window – aahhh, the delicate caress of a warm breeze on one’s nether regions…..Cresting the hill above Kraalbaai, we could see the misty outline of Table Mountain, a mere 100 km away.

Upon arriving back at the house, Julian greeted us wearing what appeared to be a new hat. Not any hat, we were advised. This was Phil’s hat ! Julian was salivating like a rabid dog. We’re still not sure how he scored the thing, but I hope he didn’t grovel. Ended the day with supper at, you’ve guessed it, Pearlies.

Early supper as we had to pack for the long trek home. We left Langebaan at 04h00 on Saturday morning. All liquorice was thrown out of the car. However, like clockwork, Gabi left his mark by taking a dump at each and every town to coincide with our petrol stops – amazing. I’ve never before experienced something like this. The oke is not human.

Some other memorable moments :

• The “injured” Gabi sitting in the lounge with his foot stuck in a cooler box filled with ice. I still blame it on the booties.
• The clutch-plate in Pearlies making a point of explaining to the waiter that his group only speaks Afrikaans, elegantly followed up by placing his order in pidgin English ! Tit.
• Gabi running around with some animal fur stuffed inside his pants????
• Robbie and Gabi – the two JP XCite Ride moffies who were named  the official procrastinators of the week, taking 1.5 hours to rig up in 6sq.m conditions at Kraalies.
• Waitress at Pearlies advising us that we couldn’t afford her. True, but I’m sure if we all chipped in…….
• Skoen-moer tyd with shoe wars at night brought on by excessive snoring. Paul was rudely woken up by a flatty from a well aimed plakkie.
• Those blerry gerries who don’t look like hard-core sailors (Carrot-patch kid and Squarehead) but sure perform like them – never judge a book by its cover.
• SA Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, which always seemed to go missing whenever anyone had an appointment with the john. Always judge a book by its cover !
• Not to be outdone, FHM with photos of every man’s dream, Carmen Electra.
• Downloading digital photos every evening onto Julian’s computer and reliving the day’s excitement. Modern technology – where would we be without it ?
• At the sound of the tone it will 4:50 and 22 seconds…….
• Gabi been given the title of bionic man due to the excessive number of pins in his toes, left hand and replacement kidney. No wonder he sails at an angle.
• Blasting the neighbour-hood with Billy Idol and Bon Jovi to 1AM whilst playing “tjune us the tune” well lubricated by JD and MGD. We were those guys I hate when going on holiday with my family.
• Gabi and Rob trying to tell us that they had seen 6ft long johnnies near the house boats at Kraalbaai. Ja, right.
• Snakes aplenty. One particularly ugly mother spanning half the road – big and black and according to our resident herpetoculturalists, Gabi and Julian, it was merely a mole snake. Ja, right again. Didn’t see them doing any snake charming tricks, did we ?
• Gabi hovering around the German JP board guru like a fly to an old turd trying to score free tips. Sheize – wat iss “piss-off” in German ? Ve haf vork to do !
• Proof that F2 rules and JP are “fag” boards. Damage score at the end of the week – F2 – 0, JP – 2.
• Gabi pulling a fast one on the Parks board guy at the entrance to West Coast Nature Reserve by advising him in a heavy Dutch accent that we were here to shoot an ostrich.
• Those *&^ing awful “…Lost” t-shirts.
• Warren admitting to playing bats at Clifton on windy days. He’s gone downhill since leaving Joeys.
• The mystery of the missing screwdrivers – will have to check Gabi’s bag.
• Paul’s parking lot conversion of his wetsuit to something resembling a skirt ???
• Gabi sneaking around the dunes at Mykonos taking pics of local topless and g-string clad beach talent.
• Noting with amusement the clear distinction between rugby type mullets and sailing types intermingling at Pearlies.
• Gabi getting an attitude adjustment klap from Julian upon mentioning the possibility of procuring a new board.
• Julian taking pic of FHM honey with cell phone and sending to his wife noting that she’d make a good au pair for his son.
• Warren wondering whether he should make moves on the Scandinavian-like kite-sailing beauty whose parents own a possie at shark bay. C’mon dude !
• Early morning sojourns to the local café to procure white gold to satisfy Gabi’s almost insatiable need for the stuff.
• Hearing about race day at MAC and all the pre-race hype, racing injuries and post-race angst – the blokes at MAC seem to be very intense about their racing. Soul sailing rules…..
• Nasty scorpion at Kraalbaai.
• Fop and Gwabi
• Late evening JD inspired discussions around Brazilians, landing strips and babes snogging (care of FHM).
• Evil things such as broek-snoek and varse bloed-wurst.
• Free State (shorty) tans and sore bodies.
• Being amazed at how much crap a bunch of blokes can speak without really saying anything.
• The “Julian-phenomenon” being put to rest after 6 days of wind !

And the coup de grace….

• Gabi clearing the house care of an early morning dump. This must’ve been the previous night’s “surf-and-turf” special kicking in. Couldn’t quite figure out whether it was the cow or the prawns which were off. Never before have I had to endure such discomfort. The house had to be evacuated for 30 minutes. Spare a thought for Gabi’s wife.

I am now more than ever convinced that CT people are spoilt and take the conditions for granted. This year I have sailed Bronkies only about 10 times (only once with a 7 sq.m sail – the rest of the time with 8 sq.m sails) and that was not for want of trying ! We had SIX days in a row of wind in Langebaan – this is paradise to an inland sailor.

If I had to summarise our time in Langebaan in one word, it must be “chill”. There was never any rush to do anything or go anywhere. Everything and everyone clicked into place. We had a great bunch of lads who all fed off each others’ humour – never a dull moment. We achieved what we had set out to do – get Gabi in the straps and get the maximum amount of sailing in. This was a great “soul” trip and must be repeated next year.